


'cause this is thriller

by betakids



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, America's Most Haunted Mansion, Fluff and Humor, Ghosts, M/M, Short & Sweet, ghost hunter newt, interior designer hermann, romantically charged bickering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 15:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16452797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betakids/pseuds/betakids
Summary: The open house paperwork rustles under his fingertips- Dr. Newton Geiszler, printed on the guest list in small, nondescript, sans-serif letters.Hermann has a feeling of impending doom building in his gut. Either that, or an oncoming ulcer.





	'cause this is thriller

**Author's Note:**

> happy halloween

 

“Geiszler,” Hermann sounds out, one syllable at a time. 

 

Geisz-ler. Eight letters. One word. 

 

Hermann has a feeling of impending doom building in his gut. Either that, or an oncoming ulcer. 

 

The open house paperwork rustles under his fingertips- Dr. Newton Geiszler, printed on the guest list in small, nondescript, sans-serif letters. 

 

It’s definitely an ulcer. 

-

Hermann baked muffins for his Saturday visit to the property, two days in advance- stacked in neat rows inside their sensible Tupperware containers on the polished granite of his kitchen countertop- cranberry and white chocolate chip. His mother’s recipe. Delicious, if not a semi-desperate, obviously-transparent attempt to finagle his way into the good graces of the owners. The muffins- they’re  _ political.  _ Strategial. Jesus, the owners are old and crotchety and passingly racist in the typical white-people-over-60 way, but he needs desperately to suck up to them- if only to get a foot in the (metaphorical, literal, it doesn’t matter) door. At least before the thrill-seeking millennials trying to camp out on the property unravel all Hermann’s careful preparatory work. 

 

The careful preparatory work that, coincidentally, all goes to shit once he sees the studio cameras set up on the front lawn. 

 

He knows more than he probably should about Dr. Geiszler. His status as a pop culture staple is just as questionable as his doctorates. The man’s face is plastered across every tacky tabloid in every grocery store checkout aisle, coast to coast, positioned right next to articles about celebrity pregnancy scares and spray tans. Newt Geiszler graduated MIT. Newt Geiszler makes money off late-night specials sandwiched between infomercials. Newt Geiszler is a paranoid conspiracy theorist and carnival barker, he’s a smoke and mirrors show, he’s a  _ believer, _ he peddles in lies and half-assed evidence and night vision goggles and ouija boards and paranatural pedagogy- he prays on the  _ malleable.  _

 

Geiszler’s spent the last few years trying to sell his albums about little green men on itunes, with success that is, on the whole, debatable. Hermann’s turned down three separate offers to be an honorary Property Brother, all of varying degrees of seriousness. Geiszler defaced his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for the fun of it. Hermann was applauded in a Times article for his  _ sensibility _ and  _ keen eye for knowing when to combine modernity and classical structure.  _

 

The Mckinnon Mansion is hundreds of years old and with a structural foundation stronger than that of any of Geiszler’s weak arguments for the paranormal. It’s placed atop a hill like the crowning jewel of the suburban town below, all wrought iron gates and winding driveways and sprawling gardens, spiraling staircases and polished mahogany banisters and fireplaces with impeccable brickwork, even a few  _ gargoyles _ , here and there. Makes the house from Edward Scissorhands look like the fucking Nut Shack. Add a few half-assed axe murders into the mix, and it’s a  _ recipe  _ for infamy. 

 

He’ll be damned if Geiszler and the rest of the baloney-spouting tinfoil hats get a hold of it. 

 

“ _ You. _ ” Hermann hisses, pulling his cardigan indignantly around himself. 

 

Geiszler was easy to find- in any batshit situation, he’s usually the epicenter of it. This time, it meant the man was waging war on the front door knob, jiggling the key around and- god help him- kicking at the bottom of the  _ decades old,  _ specially commissioned front door with his cheap Doc Martens. Getting dirt all over the intricate carvings, and yelling some nonsense about the ghost  _ having an off day.  _

 

Newton whips around once Hermann addresses him, hand still pulling on the knob a touch too aggressively. He has a smattering of freckles across his cheeks. Hermann narrows his eyes. 

 

“Oh, sweet!” Newton says, completely disregarding the obvious suspicion coloring Hermann’s face and instead looking down to the muffins Herman’s clutching to his chest, already reaching for one, “Heard of me?” 

 

Hermann recoils as soon as Geiszler’s hand brushes against the lid of the container, stumbling back a step on the stairs and nearly falling, throwing an arm out for balance. Geiszler’s smile at him, his  _ beam,  _ is bewildered and huge and glowing. He laughs under his breath and it hits Hermann right in the gut, something about the green eyes and messy hair all up close and personal instead of hidden behind a TV screen is- is  _ confusing.  _ Upsetting. On a professional level. He’s-  _ offensively _ cheerful. Smug in a way that means Hermann can’t tell if he’s even being smug at all. 

 

“These aren’t for you.” Hermann sniffs, steadying himself and pointedly not noticing the way Newton reflexively reached out to help him. “I’m not here for  _ you _ .” 

 

Geiszler blinks. 

 

“Of course,” he says, “I mean, obviously. Ghost hunters don’t really wear elbow patches, you know?” 

 

“I happen to like my elbow patches,” Hermann snipes. There is a patch on Newton’s jeans, he notices helplessly. It says BUSH DID 9/11. 

 

It’s right next to a stitched picture of an alien flipping the viewer off. 

 

Of course. 

 

“Wait.” Newton says, suddenly, shifts from foot to foot so the floorboards creak under his weight. He eyes Hermann up and down for real this time, “Wait, if you’re not here for me, then what are you…? Oh fuck, are you the-” his eyes widen in an almost comical, cartoonish way as he gets to his conclusion, “No way. The real estate guy? Are you the- oh man, fuck  _ off _ , dude. ”  

 

Hermann’s grip on his tupperware tightens. 

 

“Ready your shit, Doctor.” Hermann says, grimly, “I’m getting my mansion.”

 

Geiszler’s smile only grows wider. “Girding my loins.” 

-

(12:31 pm) **_newton_**

(12:31 pm)  **_noot_ **

(12:31 pm)  **_newty_ **

(12:31 pm) **_guyszler_ **

(12:31 pm)  **_newty pie_ **

(12:32 pm)  **_newty patootie_ **

 

(12:32 pm)  _ stop _

 

(12:32 pm)  **_THERE U ARE_ **

 

(12:32 pm) _ what do u want vanessa i’m pining _

 

(12:32 pm) **_geez louise maybe just LOVE from my BEST FRIEND_**

(12:32 pm)  **_but maybe not (eye roll emoji)_ **

 

(12:32 pm) _ (heart emoji)(heart emoji)(heart emoji) _

 

(12:32 pm)  **_don’t bother_ **

(12:32 pm) **_jk_ **

(12:33 pm) **_i was wondering: who’s hermann gottlieb_ **

(12:33 pm)  **_he sounds dreamy_ **

 

(12:33 pm) _ th _

(12:33 pm) _ jesus how do you even know who that is i never told you anything about him _

(12:33 pm)  _ i swear when people talk about the illuminati or the lizards running the world or whatever  _

(12:33 pm) _ like the evil government who knows everything about everyone's business and all the weird porn in their search history  _

(12:33 pm) _ it’s just you.  _

(12:33 pm) _ ur the government _

(12:33 pm) _ ur the lizards  _

 

(12:34 pm) **_vanessa garcía: celebrity PSYCHIC_**

(12:34 pm)  **_knowing everything is in my job description uwu_ **

 

(12:34 pm) _ hermann’s like…. idk _

(12:34 pm) _ like u know when people are just like _

(12:34 pm) _ like _

(12:34 pm)  _ hes not _

(12:34 pm) _ i mean  _

(12:34 pm) _ IM not  _

(12:34 pm) _ ….. hes just SO _

(12:34 pm) _ YOU KNOW _

 

(12:34 pm) **_this is the eloquence america needs to see_ **

(12:35 pm) **_ur so stupid i love it_ **

(12:35 pm) **_if you’re gonna like, get all pine-y nicholas sparks romance novel on me can we at least turn on carrie underwood first_ **

(12:35 pm) **_dolly parton maybe_ **

 

(12:35 pm)  _ ur bad music aside i seriously think he’s gonna kill me _

(12:35 pm)  _ like if i turn up missing start the search with guys who look like sexy librarians  _

(12:35 pm)  _ like hold a convention for vintage postage stamps and not having a sense of humor and he’ll turn up _

 

(12:35 pm) **_press f to pay respects_**

(12:35 pm)  **_we could smash bottles on cop cars if you want, as a like enjoying-your-last-days thing_ **

(12:35 pm) **_the rosé’s almost finished_ **

(12:35 pm)  **_we could use that_ **

 

(12:36 pm) _ u know when people have cheekbones that arent fair  _

(12:36 pm) _ like theyre either proof god is a sadist or the genetic lottery is rigged _

 

(12:36 pm)  **_yuh_ **

(12:36 pm) **_like gigi hadid_ **

 

(12:36 pm) _ isnt she racist _

 

(12:36 pm)  **_oh_ **

(12:36 pm) **_fuck_ **

(12:36 pm)  **_really?_ **

 

(12:37 pm) _ yeah  _

(12:37 pm)  _ lets talk about that now instead  _

 

(12:37 pm)  **_NICE TRY_ **

(12:37 pm) **_stop DODGING geiszler tell me abt ur tweed-wearing prince charming_ **

 

(12:37 pm)  _ never said he wore tweed _

 

(12:37 pm) **_psychic_**

(12:37 pm) **_remember_ **

 

(12:37 pm) _ u scare me  _

 

(12:37 pm) **_jk i googled him while we were talking lmfao and theres a lot of tweed definitely_**

(12:37 pm) **_did u know he was gonna be an honorary property brother_ **

 

(12:38 pm) _ omg really  _

(12:38 pm)  _ WAIT fuck off _

(12:38 pm)  _ don’t drag me into ur black hole of thirst and poor choices _

 

(12:38 pm) **_;-*_**

 

(12:39 pm) _ i’ve got a JOB to do  _

 

(12:39 pm)  **_kick his ass geiszler_ **

(12:39 pm)  **_instead of just checking it out  ;))_ **

 

(12:39 pm)  _ (middle finger emoji)  _

 

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @gothszler 
> 
> wow havent written fic in a WHILE
> 
> also there may or may not be more of this let’s see how we feel


End file.
